Getting Deeper: Feeling like you aren't enough
Today is THE day!
I've been saying I'm going to start posting about more meaningful things for a couple of years now and I'm finally getting around to doing it. It's funny how the devil can get in your head and make you think of all the ways doing something good and hopefully helpful could be bad! haha!! I have had all the reasons why I thought I shouldn't share more with y'all. Who am I to share advice? I don't want to come off prideful like I know all the answers! What if I share something wrong and lead people the wrong way? What if I say too much, share too much? ETC ETC!! BUT I've been feeling a tug for several years now to share more and despite all of the negative thoughts I've had, I still feel the tug to share. I truly feel like it's God nudging me, so I'm going to take the leap and do it. My hope is not to build myself up, as this all-knowing person who has it all put together (because I definitely don't), but just to share and say, I've been there too and this is what I/we did to come out better and happier on the other side. I also want to share thoughts, lessons, and realizations I've had along the way in hopes to help at least one person out there! :)
So starting out, I plan to share one blog post a month on a more serious/encouraging topic. I have some ideas in mind of what I'd like to share, but I'm also open to suggestions and questions! If there's something you'd like some big sisterly/peer advice on, please suggest it to me!! This is about helping each other, not just me sharing stories! It's also been on my mind for a few years now to start this as a podcast. I think things come off better when you hear someone say it rather than reading it- but we will see. I'm a little nervous to start out that way since it's even more out of my comfort zone.
Okayyy let's get into it :)
I'm nervous!!! haha
My hubby suggested that I start with one of the main things that have affected my entire life and branch out from there. My real dad was never really in my life. As a little girl, I don't think I ever knew what was missing because my stepdad was around. Although there was a time when he started to treat me differently because I "wasn't his child." My mom and my stepdad ended up getting divorced and that's when the truth of, "he's not your dad" came out. I was in 1st or 2nd grade and I remember it being really hard on me. I had to go to counseling at school. We would still see my stepdad every other weekend. He ended up getting remarried pretty quickly, and he would take us on vacations in the summer. Some of my fondest memories are with him and my "stepmom." As the years went on, I started to recognize the effects of " she's not my kid," and it still hurts today. I don't want it to because I recognize that my worth doesn't come from a person; it comes from God. It can be easier said than believed at times, and it's almost like it has to be a constant reminder or I tend to forget.
I try not to think about it but sometimes I see little things on Facebook that I'm excluded from and I always feel the sting in my heart. To me, he WAS my dad during those formative years. I wrote him a letter about 7 years ago just sharing my heart with him. I told him that I had forgiven him for all the things, that I just wanted him to love me and be my dad! He was sweet and called me after he got the letter and offered to adopt me. haha, but I didn't feel like that was necessary. He still reaches out from time to time. I know that he loves me and cares about me but there's just something about not being claimed as his daughter anymore that hurts to no end.
It's "easy" to push away the feeling (I'm an enneagram 7- it's what I do best), but even now, as I'm writing this, I feel the sting in my heart. I don't like to recognize negative feelings, but I ultimately want to be able to learn and grow from the things like this in my life. I'm constantly reflecting on my thoughts and actions to better understand and try to be a better version of myself. I've come to recognize that I think all of this plays a part in why I struggle with never feeling good enough. On one hand, it's great because I strive to be a high achiever, but on the other hand, it's not often that I feel proud of myself. And more often than not, if my "achievements" aren't recognized by the people I love the most, it cuts deep. I've had to work through this, and I'm not there yet, but it feels more like a rejection. It's not necessarily that I need their praise, or a pat on the back; it's more that I need to know that they recognize me, I'm "special" to them, and see my worth.
I try to push those negative feelings away because I recognize that I can't place expectations like that on people. BUT at the same time, I've come to recognize that it IS okay to communicate feelings and needs with those close to you. Not to put a burden on them, but to let them know how you need to be loved so they can love you in the ways you need it most. That's hard to do, especially if you are like me and feel like you have to keep all the negativity in. But it can be super healing. My sister-in-law and I have had many deep conversations and I opened up to her about this not too long ago. She told me that she needs to know things like that so she can know what I need so she can make more of an effort in that area. She's a gem! She wrote me a little note after I stayed with them this past summer that made me cry. It was simple, but just the little confirmation that I needed to know that I AM special to her. That one simple thing cleared so many worries from my mind. It was just what I needed.
As I was reflecting on all of this the past year I realized that I'm secure in myself as a person and my abilities but when it comes to certain relationships, that's where it's rocky. And it's not every relationship that I have. I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is exactly. But what I've concluded is that I have a fear that I'm not special to people. I hate to admit this but even happens on Instagram sometimes. I worry that I'm not "special" to people that follow my page don't and that if I don't keep performing, they will think someone else is better and leave. DUMB I. know, but it crosses my mind from time to time and I have to pull myself out and go back to thinking rationally. haha. Not everyone who follows my page wants to be my best friend and that's fine!! haha!! :P
but anyway!!! Wow, that really all poured out! LOL!! I'd love to hear from YOU!! This new series of posts is meant to cultivate community and connection. We can learn, grow and heal through community and I've been wanting to build that here. If you relate to this, I'm all ears. If you feel comfortable sharing your story, I'd love to hear it! If there's a way I can pray for you, let me know! :) You can DM me on Instagram- start it with the pink heart emoji (💗) so I can find it easier or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org